As I pondered this week’s blog topic, a story from many years ago when I was a classroom teacher came to mind.  One hot afternoon, Lily (one of my most polite 5th grade students) came to the front of the classroom and stood at my desk. Apparently she had been there for quite some time while I was engrossed in my work. Lily finally cleared her throat and said, “Ummm…excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you. I had my hand up, but I don’t think you saw me. But I really, really need to go to the bathroom and I just can’t wait any longer.” Of course I immediately apologized and gave Lily permission to use the restroom! I felt terribly guilty for my lack of awareness and attention to what was going on around me in the classroom.  I had been so busy with my own tasks (which were honestly not all that important) that I failed to be fully present in the moment. Simply put, I was not showing the young people in my care that they mattered.

Occurrences like this are not uncommon, especially when adults feel”busy” or “overwhelmed”. However, constant multi-tasking when we work with youth can certainly be problematic. This article from Michigan State University Extension reminds parents (as well as other caregivers and educators) that being distracted while interacting with young people can impact not only physical well-being, but also social and emotional development.

But there is good news! Research from the Search Institute shows there are five specific behaviors that kids look for when they are deciding how much they matter to an adult. Those behaviors are:

1. Be dependable-Be someone I can trust.

2. Listen-Really pay attention when we are together.

3. Believe in me-Make me feel known and valued.

4. Be warm-Show me you enjoy being with me.

5. Encourage-Praise me for my efforts and achievements.

For even more suggestions about approaches to express care to young people, check out this practical guide. Expressing care is a key element of building powerful relationships with youth of all ages. Think about how you can use these behaviors that express care in the lives of young people you know.